louise: chimpy chomps

many top "britpop" stars gathered at london's abbey road studios today to record a single protesting against the fact that the popular confectionary once known as "opal fruits" has been renamed "starburst".

Some of the literally several top names to contribute were matt the hat from gene, some bloke from shed seven, louise wener and phil daniels.  organiser johnny dean from menswe@r said "these insidious attacks on our cultural heritage must be stopped.  i mean, is nothing sacred?  what's next?  parma violets?  revels?  it's beyond a joke."

it had been hoped that blur's lead singer, damon allbran would contribute vocals to the track "oi, yanks, they're sweets not candy" but following the change in his band's musical direction he commented that he was "glad that marathons had become snickers" and "couldn't give a toss." 

advance orders of the single are said to run into double figures and it's expected to chart at a high position in the not too distant future.

... patsy 'concerned' about marriage to liam ...

insatiable media whore patsy kensit last night expressed her concern surrounding her marriage to william gallagher, the lead singer of rock group oasis. kensit is said to be worried that oasis are not as popular as they were two years ago.  with sales of their records plummeting and everyone in the music industry finally catching on to the fact that they are a bunch of plagiarising charlatans, newspapers are starting to leave kensit and gallagher alone and take photographs of other media couples such as posh spice and ryan giggs. kensit, 48, told us that the fact that liam doesn't seem to attract a fleet of photographers and television crews anymore could be a major stumbling block in the future of their marriage.  "i like being on the telly and in the papers and that", she told us. kensit's marriage track-record speaks for itself.  in the early 1980's she married dan donovan out of big audio dynamite.  the marrage hit the rocks when they stopped being famous.  the money-grabbing harlot then moved on to jim kerr out of simple minds.  this pairing faltered when simple minds musically disappeared up their own arses in the late 1980's and everyone stopped buying their self-indulgent musical crap.  a few years ago, kerr was replaced by thick-as-pigshit gallagher when his band started appearing regularly on top of the pops and making the front page of "the sun". a friend of kensit's who wished to remain anonymous told us that patsy was 'inconsolable' when anthea turner's exposed affair with grant movey made front page news.  "she wouldn't have minded so much but the day before, she and liam had gone shopping at tesco's in notting hill and she had even taken the precation of telephoning the sun to tell them they were going." the friend went on "patsy knows that she is devoid of any talent and that in order to remain famous, she has to remain in the spotlight.  liam is not providing this anymore, so she is very concerned". it is not clear who kensit will get her claws into next.  the verve are the band who are making the musical waves at the moment, but it is thought that their frontman, richard ashcroft is far too ugly to merit kensit's attention.  "he would need to sell another 50,000 copies of 'urban hymns' before patsy would even shag him", said the friend.  rumours linking shaznay out of all saints are said to be unfounded but the friend commented "you never know, they have been on the telly a lot recently and patsy is getting desparate". we contacted liam gallagher but he told us to "f--- off" and asked us to "come ahead, do you want some, eh?"

... spice girl mel in "i quit" shock ...

fans of the spice girls were left reeling last night after group member 'mel c' announced "i quit!". mel c: wheezy spice in an exclusive interview with PopGob, mel c (real name: agnes trubshaw) was expressing her views on teenage smoking when she made the astounding disclosure, "i used to hang around the bikesheds with other girls from my school and we'd smoke fags.  i decided that smoking wasn't girl power and it wasn't cool, so i quit." we contacted the band's management for a comment, but they told us that band member geri had sacked them a few months back.

... chris evans is a ginger twat ...

it's not news - just a reminder.

... how now brown's cow ...

former lead singer with madchester hopefuls the rolling stone roses, ian brown, has embarked upon a new concept in music. foghorned-voiced tone-deaf ian has sampled the noise made by a vomitting cow, and incorporates it into his new track, "the sound of moo-sick". he now plans to take the cow with him on his forthcoming tour of the outer hebrides.  our correspondant asked whether the dreadful smell and liberal quantites of excrement would present a problem.  "it's only a short tour, so i expect to be used to it by the end", responded the cow.

... hollyoaks star not to release single ...

carol: bazzstud natalie casey, star of hit channel 4 teen sitcom "hollyoaks", sent ripples throughout the whole music industry this month with her shock revelation that she has no plans to release a single. despite performing on-screen in fictional group the crazy bazzstuds, natalie, 28, does not intend to attempt to launch a singing career on the back of her televisual fame. "at least I know I can't sing", said tv's carol.  "i'm not about to inflict my tuneless voice upon the nation.", she continued in a veiled barb at co-star will "kurt" mellor, nephew of former tory mp and adultorer, david mellor. a spokesman said, "would you like to buy some spokes?"