PopGob - news from the gob

elton: bald it was last night announced that aging rock star, sir elton john (real name: harry webb) is to be given "grade-a listed" status by the government. under this ruling, no renovations are allowed to be made to sir elton without prior written permission from english heritage. a spokesman for downing street said, "it was the least we could do, after mr. john so selflessly donated the royalties from his last record to the memorial fund of a dead person." in light of the listing, plans for the re-weaving of elton's bald, hairless scalp have been put on stand-by, pending an appeal. sir elton is the latest in a long line of celebrities to be awarded grade-a status, including such luminaries as former beatle sir paul mccartney, the lead singer of led zeppelin robert page, and eighties chart sensation chesney hawkes.

top indie-pop stars blur are at the centre of shocking allegations arising from rumours of their attendance at a secret cock fight in a warehouse in essex last weekend. the cheery, chirpy fake-cockneys were spotted amongst the crowd, as two cockerels proceeded to peck each other to death, as goading pissed-up punters egged them on. animal rights activists have called for a boycott of all future blur recordings and concerts. "they're an extrememly influential band," said a representative of the rspca, "and their patronage of such an event will only boost the respectibility of these disgraceful affairs." however, a spokesman for the band claims that it was all a terrible misunderstanding. "dave, the drummer, heard a rumour about the cock fight down the pub. naturally, he assumed that it would involve two men attacking each other with their willies. when they arrived at the venue and discovered that there were just a couple of man-hens fighting, they left immediately. the boys were extremely disappointed, as they're always up for a spot of red-hot penile action."

a new ruling by the european union, in place from the end of april, will mean that all pop bands performing in europe will have to feature at least one heterosexual group member. the ruling comes after a year-long investigation by the eu, resulting in the publication of the report, "poofters in pop", last year. boyzone: men in unrelated news, yesterday the irish group boyzone announced that they were to hold auditions for a new member. a source close to the band said, "the boys aren't worried by this ruling. they were planning on recruiting some fresh blood anyway. honest." pop sensation jimmy ray commented on the ruling: "the ruling doesn't affect me. although my surname rhymes with the word 'gay', i am in fact straight as a die. yes siree. if any girlies reading this are up for a shag, they just have to ask."

it's not news - just a reminder.

the squeaky-clean image of hanson took another bashing this week, as a stunned fan overheard lead singer taylor hanson let loose a string of obscenities. "he described his brother zac as a smelly jobby," claims the distressed 11-year-old (who cannot be named for legal reasons), "before accusing their father of doing really smelly farts." this shocking incident happens less than a week after zac left womens rights groups in america up in arms, with his ill-judged comments that he used to enjoy asking girls to do handstands so he could see their pants. the band were unavailable for comment on this latest story.

chumbawamba: cack top anarcho-punk teenybop band chumbawamba are this year celebrating 21 years of plumbing the depths of mediocrity. the group, who formed in 1977 in a dustbin in leeds, are to mark this important anniversary with the release of a special compilation album, which brings together for the first time all their hit singles. the one track lp will be released later this month.