celebrity gob
with simon groom

simon groom

hello there!  my name is simon groom and i used to be a presenter on blue peter about ten or eleven years ago.  but i turned my back on that seedy career in order to move up in the great show-biz ladder.  they said i would never be able to top blue peter, but they were wrong.  i am currently presenting on a local radio station called "bbc three counties".  haha!  that's shown them!

the writers of PopGob have asked me to write some stuff for them about grooming.  they probably think they're being terribly kitsch and ironic by asking someone who used to do kids tv.  little do they realise that in my time, i was considered something of a major studmuffin by all around me.  you should have seen some of the racy stuff that got sent to the blue peter office.  sticky-backed plastic has more uses than you'd imagine.

so here's my top tips for making sure that you can pull whoever you want ...

smug wanker

nothing puts off members of the opposite sex like a thick bushy beard.  especially if you're a girl!  ho ho!  but seriously, look at this bloke here.  have you ever seen such a smug wanker in your life before?  but he's got a girl, and that's cause he shaves.


if your hair looks good, you look good.  that's my motto, despite being nearly bald.

a bull

for healthy, strong hair, i recommend one of those shampoo and conditioner combinations.  'wash + go' is probably my favourite, because it's got the consistency of bull semen, which is something i know all about.  because i live on a farm.  and not for any other reason.

simon lumpyface

do you suffer from bad spots?  well, ha ha!  tough shit.  there's nothing you can do about it, and no-one will fancy you, and everyone will laugh and point at you, and it serves you right!  it just leaves all the more totty for handsome chaps like me.

will hague

i don't wear any deodorant, or aftershave, or any of that sort of girly smelly stuff.  it just masks your natural pheremones.  if you really want to get all the chicks after you, don't have a bath or shower for weeks, and make sure you get sweaty as often as possible.  they'll just flock around you then.  works for me!

so there we go... my top tips for making sure you're as shaggable as possible.  of course, if you're reading this, you must be some kind of internet geek and need all the help you can get.

good luck!
simon groom

ps. if any girlies are reading this, and fancy some of the old groom magic, just let me know.

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