Scotland's National Dish

There are some who will try and tell you that the national dish of Scotland is the haggis. They are wrong.

(They may even be hilarious and try and tell you that a haggis is a small animal with one leg longer than the other so they can run up hills. Hahahahahaha. By golly, I just crack up every single sodding time I hear that story.)

They may also try and tell you that the national drink is whisky. They are doubly wrong.

The real national meal of Scotland is... A Deep Fried Pizza Supper and a bottle of Irn Bru.

There are two methods to making a deep fried pizza supper:

Method 1:

  1. Take a piece of round cardboard and paint it orange.
  2. Bosh it into some very hot fat until it absorbs it all.
  3. Serve with some very fatty chips and a can of Irn Bru.

Method 2:

  1. Take £2.90 to the Montgomery Fish Bar on Montgomery Street in Edinburgh (just off the top of Leith Walk)
  2. Hand over the money and say in a loud, clear voice "I'd like a deep fried pizza supper and a bottle of Irn Bru, please."
  3. When asked if you want salt and sauce, say "Yes."
  4. Watch as they drown your food in the shit.
  5. Bon appetit!

Serving Suggestion

Why not try following it with a deep-fried Mars Bar? A splendidly Scottish idea, this involves taking a chocolate bar that is already extremely high in fat, coating it in batter, and bunging it into fat to cook. Mmm-mm. Deeelicious.

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING

This sort of food is the reason why Scotland has the highest heart attack per person ratio of any country in Europe. And damn proud of it, too.

Instead of eating a deep fried pizza, why not do something healthier? Like smoke forty cigarettes a day?

The Scottish comedian, Bruce Morton tells the story that he didn't realise until he was eighteen, that you aren't meant to deep-fry pizza! Apparently, he discovered this when he took a girl out to an Italian restaurant to try and impress her. He ordered a pizza, and received a gorgeous 12-inch cheese and tomato laden one. "Excuse me!" he exclaimed, calling the waiter. "Do you expect me to eat this pizza raw??"
If you have an amusing story relating to something you have experienced while eating a deep-fried pizza, why not e-mail me at the address below!
PS. Hello to Gordon John Erskine Dick who I nabbed the tasty tartan background from. Readers of this page may or may not give a rat's ass that the tartan is the Erskine tartan, apparently.
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Rod Begbie (rod@begbie.com)