There are some who will try and tell you that the national dish of Scotland
is the haggis. They are wrong.
(They may even be hilarious and try and tell you that a haggis
is a small animal with one leg longer than the other so they can run up
hills. Hahahahahaha. By golly, I just crack up every single sodding
time I hear that story.)
They may also try and tell you that the national drink is whisky. They
are doubly wrong.
The real national meal of Scotland is... A Deep Fried Pizza Supper
and a bottle of Irn Bru.
There are two methods to making a deep fried pizza supper:
Take a piece of round cardboard and paint it orange.
Bosh it into some very hot fat until it absorbs it all.
Serve with some very fatty chips and a can of Irn Bru.
Take £2.90 to the Montgomery Fish Bar on Montgomery Street in
Edinburgh (just off the top of Leith Walk)
Hand over the money and say in a loud, clear voice "I'd like a deep fried pizza
supper and a bottle of Irn Bru, please."
When asked if you want salt and sauce, say "Yes."
Watch as they drown your food in the shit.
Why not try following it with a deep-fried Mars Bar? A splendidly
Scottish idea, this involves taking a chocolate bar that is already extremely
high in fat, coating it in batter, and bunging it into fat to cook. Mmm-mm.
This sort of food is the reason why Scotland has the highest
heart attack per person ratio of any country in Europe. And damn
proud of it, too.
Instead of eating a deep fried pizza, why not do something healthier?
Like smoke forty cigarettes a day?
The Scottish comedian, Bruce Morton tells the story that he
didn't realise until he was eighteen, that you aren't meant to deep-fry
pizza! Apparently, he discovered this when he took a girl out to an Italian
restaurant to try and impress her. He ordered a pizza, and received a gorgeous
12-inch cheese and tomato laden one. "Excuse me!" he exclaimed,
calling the waiter. "Do you expect me to eat this pizza raw??"
If you have an amusing story relating to something you have experienced
while eating a deep-fried pizza, why not e-mail me at the address below!
PS. Hello to Gordon John
Erskine Dick who I nabbed the tasty tartan background from. Readers
of this page may or may not give a rat's ass that the tartan is the Erskine
Back to my homepage...Rod Begbie (email@example.com)